I’m sitting in my bed room, surrounded by Fight Club posters, and I’m able to play The Last of Us Part 2.
The Last of Us is one in every of my favorite games for a lot of causes. The fundamental one being that Joel Miller is essentially the most relatable, heroic video game character ever conceived. His gruff face, his beard, his flannel shirt – he’s the proper protagonist. He tortures individuals, however that’s solely as a result of he’s a tortured soul himself. He doesn’t put on his coronary heart on his sleeve (principally as a result of that’s the place his watch, a gift from his lifeless daughter, goes), however he has a coronary heart of gold pounding beneath that plaid.
Some individuals paint Joel as a villain, as a result of truth he weapons down a great deal of medical doctors on the finish of the unique game. These disgusting surgeons wish to trend a treatment from Ellie to save lots of the world, however there’s a catch: the surgical procedure will kill her. As I beforehand established, Joel’s actual daughter is lifeless. Who can be his new daughter if he lets Ellie die right here? Exactly.
Ellie is 14 years outdated in The Last of Us – she doesn’t perceive the world and Joel is nicely inside his rights to homicide all the good guys and steal her selection away from her. That’s not kidnapping, that’s simply being , self-appointed apocalypse dad. And wanting cool whereas doing it.
The Last of Us Part 2 opens with Joel admitting his heroism: “I saved her,” he says, accurately. His brother Tommy is totally onboard. Now we’re using into Jackson and I’m enjoying as Joel! This is superb! I hope nothing occurs to him.
There’s so many graphics here. Just, like, graphics throughout. And sound.
Aw, that is good. Joel is playing guitar for Ellie. Hold up – what is that this shit? Pink Floyd? PINK? My man likes beige and everyone knows it. Should have had him smashing out some Slayer to maintain him in character.
So I’m playing as Ellie now. Ellie is cool – she discovered from the perfect, in any case. She’s using on patrol together with her pal, Dina. They appear to be tremendous pals. Platonic friends. Massive mates. There was one thing in a dialog earlier a few kiss they shared throughout the winter dance, however who amongst us hasn’t kissed their pal after too many mulled wines? Just gals being friends.
So we simply got here throughout some people contaminated by the cordyceps virus. Now to dig into the mechanics a bit bit. One little element I recognize: you may shoot the contaminated and blood comes out of them. I like that.
They’re kissing once more, however I’m fairly positive it’s simply the weed. They found a secret hideout and a develop lab. The spliffs they present in a jar have been sitting there for god is aware of how lengthy. They’ve in all probability gone unhealthy. It’s simply two stoned mates going at it – nothing to see right here, to be fairly trustworthy. Me and my mates usually Snapchat one another photos of our dicks. Just bros being bros.
Now I’m enjoying as somebody referred to as Abby. I’m undecided who that is, however I’m not satisfied in her proportions. It’s a scientific truth that ladies can’t develop muscle tissues, and I’m frankly afraid of being pounded into mud by a hench girl. Yesterday I pulled my shoulder out when opening a pack of tremendous noodles.
Abby killed Joel. She killed him and another person spat on him. I do know individuals usually speak about immersion in games, however I felt the spit hit me within the face. Spit from the mouth of Naughty Dog. A glob of saliva coating my goals.
I can’t imagine Naughty Dog has carried out this. Who wrote this SJW nonsense? They’ve made me, a real fan, really indignant a few character demise. A personality who I really like, that they wrote, who dies by the hands of a lady. Joel ought to have died a hero’s demise, going through off in opposition to 100 different males in flannel shirts. Or he might have merely snatched the shotgun from Abby and gunned all of them down whereas mouthing “blammo” with every set off pull.
Why would I desire a story to make me really feel issues? If I wished to really feel feelings I’d stub my toe. I merely now not belief these writers who beforehand made me care a lot a few character that I made 5 nameless Twitter accounts so I can tweet abuse at them.
Seriously. I might write a greater story in an hour. How about this: Joel builds a large truck made from knives and drives it throughout America, killing all the clickers. At the tip, he listens to some Slipknot, seems to be on the digital camera and says, “That was the last of THEM.” Fin.
Not laborious, is it? No, it isn’t.
At this level, I sincerely want I’d skilled the story by way of a hastily-narrated synopsis from an apolitical gaming YouTuber who solely covers politics in games and by no means the games themselves. That manner I’d know the reality: the actual virus is inclusion. I’m by no means included in something as a result of I’m deeply unlikable. Why ought to anybody else be included? It’s not proper.
I’ll have solely performed three hours of this 25 hour game, however I’m going to need to make a stand and put a zero person rating on Metacritic. That’ll present them. I’m going to allow them to know that I do know I’m shedding the tradition struggle I invented in my head and I’m having a correct wah wah about it.
I’m additionally gonna go on Twitter and provide you with my very personal joke to remark beneath each story concerning the game.
Wait a second…
It’s coming to me…
Something golf-themed to be really authentic…
Ah, I do know: “Joel in one”. Hahaha!
I simply snapped my copy of The Last of Us Part 2 in half – each discs. I’m going to mail them to Heel Cuckmann as a warning. Now, to see if mom is nipping to the put up workplace at this time…
