Beyond Tennis: Professional Sports Mario Should Master

With yet another Super Bowl in the rearview mirror, I find myself once again questioning the conspicuous absence of a Mario-themed gridiron title. It remains a baffling omission in the otherwise storied athletic resume of Nintendo’s most versatile mascot. After all, the plumber recently showcased his peak physical condition in the high-octane Mario Tennis Fever for the next-gen hardware. Despite approaching his fourth decade, Mario continues to display the kind of agility that would make a prime Roger Federer envious. This relentless display of prowess got me thinking about which professional arenas the Mushroom Kingdom crew should conquer next.

American Football

Mario has already dominated the hardwood, conquered the diamond, and even braved the ice during the Winter Olympics. He’s mastered the nuanced greens of the golf course and survived the chaotic pitches of the soccer field. Only one major mainstream sport remains untouched by his white-gloved hands: American football. The transition feels almost too organic for the Mushroom Kingdom. The universe already features Chargin’ Chuck, a literal football-playing turtle. Imagine Wario and Bowser anchoring an immovable defensive line, or Waluigi using his spindly frame to become the league’s most elite kicker. Mario would naturally step into the quarterback role—provided he can throw the pigskin without accidentally imbuing it with fire—while Yoshi would become the ultimate offensive threat, swallowing the ball and darting into the endzone before the defense even realizes what happened.

Bowling

It is genuinely surprising that we haven’t seen a dedicated Mario Bowling title yet. The character archetypes are already perfectly balanced for the lanes: Bowser as the high-velocity power thrower, Luigi as the finesse-driven technician, and Peach utilizing a regal, calculated spin. While Yoshi’s role as a “ball-eater” might require some creative gameplay adjustments, the sport itself mirrors the “simple yet deep” philosophy of Mario Golf. I envision a “Toadstool Tour” style experience featuring lanes fraught with interactive hazards, moving bumpers, and environmental effects that alter pin physics. Throw in some classic Mario power-ups to curve the ball or sabotage a rival’s frame, and you have a recipe for a multiplayer masterpiece.

Polocrosse

Why settle for polo or lacrosse when you can merge them into a singular, high-stakes hybrid? Polocrosse is a demanding contact sport that requires impeccable coordination and defensive grit. While the traditional version involves mounts, the Mario universe has a ready-made solution in the form of Yoshis. The logistical paradox of a green Yoshi riding another Yoshi notwithstanding, the combination of skill-based stick work and equestrian (or dinosaurian) movement would be a perfect fit for a “Double Dash” style mechanical deep dive. It’s a complex sport that is practically begging for some chaotic power-ups to disrupt the rhythm of the match.

Bossaball

Bossaball is essentially an anarchic blend of volleyball and soccer, played on massive inflatable courts equipped with trampolines. In many ways, it feels like a sport that was designed within the Mushroom Kingdom and leaked into our reality. The sheer verticality of the game aligns perfectly with Mario’s platforming roots. While it may not require the same tactical overhaul as football, the visual spectacle of Bowser performing a mid-air trampoline spike is an image that deserves to be immortalized in a 4K Nintendo title.

Underwater Hockey

Navigating water in a Mario game is usually a binary experience: you either perish instantly upon contact or possess the lung capacity of a whale. For a subaquatic hockey title to work, we’d clearly need the latter “breathe forever” physics. This could serve as a more grounded, technical sports sim, relying on environment-specific hazards rather than standard power-ups. The challenge of maneuvering a weighted puck across the pool floor becomes significantly more interesting when you have to contend with:

• Schools of aggressive Cheep-Cheeps
• Gigantic, territory-guarding Unagi eels
• Bloopers obscuring your vision with ink
• Terrifyingly large lantern fish
• Stationary, snapping Piranha Plants

Mastering the physics of weighted movement in a 3D aquatic space would demand a level of skill that even the most seasoned Mario veterans would find refreshing.

Cheese Rolling

The Mushroom Kingdom is largely a pastoral, idyllic realm defined by its rolling hills and rural charm. Beyond the bustling streets of New Donk City, the world is quite rustic, which makes the pre-Roman tradition of cheese rolling a perfect fit for the local culture. Chasing a massive wheel of Double Gloucester down a precipitous incline is exactly the kind of eccentric, high-risk activity the Toads would organize for a weekend festival. Some might argue that tumbling down a hill after dairy isn’t a “professional” sport, but anyone who has witnessed the sheer physical toll and reckless bravery required to compete would certainly beg to differ. It’s the ultimate test of Mushroom Kingdom athleticism.

Source: Polygon