Noct out with a fish: my quest to K.O. someone in Tekken with a tuna

Noctis Lucis Caelum is the young monarch of Final Fantasy XV. He has a double-barrelled surname and a lot of invisible swords. He has also made a guest appearance in Tekken 7. These are two ridiculous worlds I like to inhabit in the evenings, so it makes sense to write about this crossover event. But there needs to be an angle. I need a hook. A hook… Of course! A fishing hook. Noctis loves to go angling, it’s his hobby. I’ll fight a bunch of people as Noctis and try to get a K.O. using a large fish. That’s an article.

First, let’s dress up my charming prince.

There, now he looks like an angler. A good fisherman always straps a massive tuna to his back. I’ll be able to use this tuna (and a smaller flappy sardine that I’ve assigned to his left hand) in the midst of a battle by pressing the right buttons. A fish blow does very little damage and is laughably slow. Knockouts gained with items like this (baseball bats, pistols, toy tanks, etc) are generally seen as the action of a fighter who is untrained, lucky or insulting. I am all three.

Fight 1 – Claudio

Claudio is an Italian who likes to fight in austere Roman cathedrals. His fighting style is Sirius-style Exorcism Sorcery, which looks like this.

This was a hard fight (spoiler: they are all hard fights). At one point, I pressed the fish buttons.

As you can see, this was a premature fishslap. He must have enjoyed hitting me with his very Catholic fist.

Result: YOU LOSE

Fight 2 – King

King is a Mexican who wears a mask to make you think he is a jaguar. But don’t be fooled. He’s a man. A man with impeccable grip and the strength of a thousand dams.

I barely got in a toepoke in during this regal fight, never mind a fishy wallop. I ran away as soon as the “rematch or quit” option appeared.

Result: YOU LOSE

Fight 3 – Noctis

A mirror match. I have heard of these mythical bouts. Adrenal clashes of wits, double-guessing, triple-guessing, layers and layers of yomi, like a delicious yomi cake, a true battle to determine who is the better -

Oh, he quit.

Result: A CONNECTION ERROR OCCURRED

Fight 4 – Another Noctis

But lo. It’s Noctis again. Who are these pretenders? I am the only one adhering to Noct’s seafood-loving character. Look at my fishing vest. Everyone else is just a fashionable wannabe. I must defeat this impostor with a fierce tuna blow.

Ah.

Well.

OK. This is difficult. I keep missing my strikes. Fighting game champs have a name for this. They call it “doing a whiffer”. It’s true, I’ve spoken to many pros about this. I need to harness this knowledge. I need to get him to do a whiffer. And then...

YES. Except I did not technically KO with the fish. I had to finish him off in a panic with a giant spear made of light and self-confidence. But doesn’t a talented fisherman sometimes use a harpoon made of magic? Yes, I think so. Regardless, this Not-a-noctis and I play a few more matches, every one of them a pummeling for me. That’s when I remember. Yes, the little fish! The sardine in my left hand that has been here the whole time.

POW. Sometimes it isn’t the size of the fish you catch, it’s the way you serve it up. Finally, the king has proven himself worthy of the crown.

My opponent went on to win the match.

Result: YOU LOSE