It’s that time again, when people realise they’re poor and hate their families yet are resigned, by social convention, to spend more money and more time with their ‘loved’ ones, a death spiral from which there is no quarter given, and certainly none asked. It’s a shocker, really, but you can console yourself by reading the following list. It contains Christmas games you can buy and play, some of which are actually loosely associated with Christmas. And they won’t break the bank either! Not that it matters, of course, given the amount of debt you’re probably in. Just add more to the pile. And get some Scotch while you’re out, yeah? Lovely.
Kane and Lynch 2: Dog Days
An obvious one, this. Kane and Lynch 2 is to Christmas video games what It’s A Wonderful Life is to Christmas film: a nauseating deconstruction of how hope fucks everything up. (I’ve not seen the end of It’s A Wonderful Life: my mum taped over it with Surprise Surprise.) Dog Days’ leads are despicable, angry men, depressed beyond measure and wearing tacky clothing bought for them by people they despise but will, inevitably, let down (or have already). Perfect for Christmas Day then, when you’re side-eying your spouse and wondering what the difference is between accidental death and death by misadventure, and which of them carries the most lenient sentence? You’d think the former, but at the same time, misadventure sounds like the Goonies or something, and that turned out well for everyone.
Die Hard Trilogy
Because remember: the best Christmas movie is Die Hard. Because it’s set at Christmas. Christmas Eve, in fact. The film (and game) Die Hard is set on Christmas Eve. Do you understand what I’m saying? Good. Now, Die Hard Trilogy first came out all the way back in 1996, when you still felt feelings. Fire it up again for a swift hit of beautiful nostalgia, then throw yourself out of a window for that real-feel Hans Gruber experience. Keep the change, ya filthy animal, and so on.
Remember you played this with your ex-wife, before she left you? Remember your husband, sitting there while you ‘did the bowling’, laughing lightly, but there was something a little off about it, and then you noticed he’s got two phones now, but it’s OK, one’s probably for work. Plumbers often need two phones. Remember that? Yeah you do.
Christmas can be a testing time for any family, especially when it comes to money. It’s a harsh reality of capitalism that you’ll probably have to spend more than you have in the bank to get everyone the things they want, and that’s OK: we all do it. After the kids have gone to bed though, console yourself with a little bit of Lethal Enforcers, especially the bank robbery scene, where you can get au fait with what it’s like to be blown away by a mad copper with a neon six shooter after you realise the only way to get out of debt is by taking an Uzi into the nearest Natwest.
Super Star Wars
I fucking hate Super Star Wars. It is a true piece of shit, and whoever made it needs to be proper Robert Maxwell’d. Anyway, Super Star Wars is a great Christmas game because it reminds you of that time you got Super Star Wars for Christmas and hated it because it’s just so fucking hard. Why is it so hard? What happened to the people making this game? Were they abused by cartridges or something? Fuck knows. Either way, crank this bad boy out (it’s on the PS4 now). At least it’s not the NES version.
What a belter this game was, and in fact still is. Granted it’s not technically related to Christmas, but then who fucking cares. You can stab people’s eyes out with broken shards of glass in this, and if that’s not in at least the SPIRIT of Christmas, I don’t know what is.
And what better way to finish Christmas than by running around shooting the demonic reincarnated corpses of your friends? None better, of course. Brutal Doom did what many thought impossible and freshened up one of the all-time greats. Don’t bother looking forward to nu-Doom, it’ll probably be really boring. Get this fired up instead.